Am I Still Beautiful To You?
by Freeza's Woman
Summary: Freeza is dying and Zarbon takes care of him. **Freeza/Zarbon coupling** (fixed due to formatting problems)


Author's Note: This story contains _Shounen ai_(male/male).   
  
  


**Am I Still Beautiful To You?**

  
  


Two months ago I heard news that shocked me out of my wits. My Master, my Lord…my Freeza, was extremely ill. It all started with little stomach pangs that bothered him while he ate or bent at the waist. Then it progressed to headaches, shortness of breath and joint pain. Soon he had trouble swallowing, urinating and voiding his bowels. Sometimes fevers would strike without warning and vanish without a trace. 

He just kept getting worse and worse. 

One day, when I found him curled up next to his toilet and vomiting up mouthfuls of blackish-purple blood, I literally lifted him and carried him into the medical bay. He protested, but was too ill and in pain to resist me. I still remember seeing his face plastered with blood and strings of tissue. How uncertain and angry his eyes were. 

I waited outside while Freeza was examined, impatiently pacing around. To keep my hands busy I kept undoing and re-doing my long green braid. Freeza always liked it to be perfect. I like to be perfect for him. 

Hours later, I heard screaming, the discharge of ki and an explosion. The door slid open and a clean, stoic-faced Freeza walked out from amidst the smoking remains of the medical bay staff. He strode past me and vanished into his quarters. Never said a word or looked at me. 

At that point, as I followed him, I stopped being Freeza's first officer and became his lover again. Yes, we are together that way, and for all these years we've kept our relationship secret. Every night we'd talk over a glass of wine, share dinner…and sometimes we made love. Freeza loved to loosen my hair and wrap it around his neck while lying close to me. My hair always has fascinated him. Perhaps because he has none of his own. 

I entered the room with a smile. Thought perhaps he was being straight-faced as a mind game. The rules are I have to guess his thoughts, but this was no game. 

Freeza slowly faced me with ruby eyes full of shattered dreams. He was so uncertain, scared...I've never seen Freeza look afraid in all the time I've known him. His velvety voice spoke, "It's _systoma_, Zarbon." There was a pause, and then he added in a whisper, "I have two months." 

The blood drained from my face. _Systoma_, the worst and most incurable cancer any Icejin can contract. Basically one cell in the center of his body mutated into a huge tumor the size and shape of a two-pound clump of grapes. It had metastasized to his brain, stomach, bladder, intestines, lungs, heart and joints. His whole tiny body was full of tumors and cancer poison. 

The worst part of this disease is there are no symptoms until it's too late to stop it. It had been growing inside Freeza's belly for over a year. Neither of us knew it was there until that afternoon. The spreading was recent, perhaps within the last few weeks. 

And I, smirking at the idea that Freeza could succumb to something as simple as a disease, didn't believe him. I waited for him to laugh and say that he would beat this. My Lord is the strongest man I know. Nothing can beat him! 

Instead of a burst of laughter, there was uncomfortable silence. Freeza must have felt as shocked as I. He just stood there with his horns and armor gleaming in the light coming through the window. His hands, which had been clenched in tight fists behind his back, slipped down to hang at his sides. I watched his whole posture sag and half-expected him to burst into tears. 

And then he said words I had hoped to never hear in my lifetime. 

"I'm dying, Zarbon." 

I couldn't take it anymore, this was a great joke! Freeza's sense of humor always did have a sick side. 

I burst out laughing after another few uncomfortable seconds, "Come on, Freeza! You're joking right? You rule this universe, you can't just _die_ because of a stupid cancer infestation! Just schedule some surgery and radiation treatment, nobody has to know it ever happened! Come on, let's go back to the medical bay." 

Freeza turned until the light fell across his pale pink face. I anticipated a dazzling smile that never came. What greeted me was a pair of ruby eyes burning in sadness. The funeral pyre that used to be his future. 

"Zarbon, this is no joke. I am trapped in my fate and no medicine or miracle can change it now." He half-turned to gaze at the window and I saw the changes that had been going on under my nose. My Master had always been on the thin side, most Icejins are, but not like that. His form-fitting morning robe hung lifeless on his small frame. He'd probably lost twenty pounds in less than a month. 

I think Freeza knew he was sick before the doctors did, and didn't want to face the truth. 

"All these years of working my tail off to make my business a force to fear...WASTED!!!!" Freeza lifted his arm and blasted apart his breakfast tray. The pieces blew away in the shockwave and slammed against the walls. I would have been gutted alive if I hadn't ducked out of the way. After the noise settled, Freeza looked down at his hands, then at me. "I can't even disintigrate a food tray...I'm already too weak to transform. I'll be helpless! I can't let anyone see me like that! I refuse! Maybe I should take my ship and find an abandoned planet and die alone. Nobody will have to know. Yes..." his eyes gleamed with foolish hope and he stroked his chin thoughtfully, "Zarbon, what is the furthest, most forsaken world we know of? Tell me, quick!" 

Whatever Freeza was trying to cook up at that time, I knew it wouldn't work. Word travels fast and sooner or later someone would find out. This irrational idea of his would never bear fruit, and to this day the mental image of him lying alone and forgotten, covered in dirt and his own bodily wastes while crying in pain on a forgotten world still brings tears to my eyes. I refused to let him die like that! 

I practically leapt forward and placed my hand firmly on his small shoulder, a move that risked my life. "No!" I forced my emotions into check. "I was just a nobody wandering from planet to planet looking for work and you took me in and trained me to be your best warrior. I promised that I would serve you for as long as I lived and that is what I will do. Let me take care of you. If anyone talks about this, I'll blast them to Hell in your name." 

"Zarbon - " 

"Freeza...my love...please let me finish." I cut him off before he could stop me, "Animals hide alone when they are going to die. You have more dignity than that. I'll make sure of it!" 

Freeza reached up and closed his fingers tight around my wrist. Right then I braced myself for a bloody death. But my Master simply raised my knuckles to his lips and kissed them. "You win." Then he slid closer until his cheek touched my chest, an invitation to embrace him that I readily took. I wrapped my arms around his miniature body and held him tightly to my chest until I felt his lungs heave and his heart throb. Freeza placed his frail hands on my chest and closed his eyes as though resting against me, his body trembling while I tried to protect him from his encroaching fate. He never made moves towards me, other than the rare hand kiss or wrapping my hair around his neck. All he gave were little indications of what he wanted. I'm pretty sure that as a child he was never given affection and taught to hide his emotions. Now pride won't let him give affection and rarely lets him show true emotions, not even in private. I'll never forget the time I heard him laugh for real, it sounds nothing like the cruel cackling he bombards his victims with. 

After a short eternity, Lord Freeza inhaled slowly and pulled from the embrace. He cocked his horned head inquisitively despite the angry sorrow in his gaze. 

"Am I still beautiful to you? Do you desire me?" The tone was apathetic, it always was when he asked me that. Every day, he posed the same question, a ritual that usually preceded a glass of wine(or sometimes absinthe, Freeza was very fond of exotic drinks). 

"Yes, m'Lord." I replied without thinking. To say no would shatter him…and be the death of me. But he _is_ beautiful, and I always desire him. Tasting his delicate burgundy lips is like eating a piece of forbidden fruit. And laying with him is like sleeping with a god that could eclipse the sun with his power. 

He was back to his old self. Maybe it was a joke and he would live after all. Yes, Freeza was immune to everything. 

Freeza smiled at me and reached over to pour smooth red wine into two crystal goblets. He handed one to me and slightly raised his own. "To living." 

I took my glass graciously, tapped it against his, "to living." and drank. The wine was very dry, but smooth to my tongue. 

Freeza drank his in one gulp, refilled his glass and sat down in his black metal hoverpod. "So, my dear Zarbon, pick out a planet and let us conquer it this very evening. How does that sound to you?" 

At the sound of that question, I knew my beloved Freeza would be all right. He could live through anything.   
  


"Zarbon...I need..." 

Now the two months have passed. 

Lord Freeza lays stricken before me, twisting about in pain amidst his white sheets. His withered body is gaunt and helpless against the cancer that mercilessly drains his life away. Very soon, it will finish its job. 

He gazes at me with dull, sunken eyes and tugs insistently at the plastic strapped to his nose and mouth. I watch his frail hand slip repeatedly on the smooth oxygen mask. He has no co-ordination left in his bony fingers. The small effort leaves him panting and exhausted. Soon, he gives up and stops reaching. It's a simple task to pull the mask down under his chin, and he can't even do it anymore. 

I reach over and slide the oxygen mask down under my master's tapered chin. He looks so strange to me without his full cheeks. Like his face is now plastered to his skull. His precious, come-hither lips have disintegrated into cracked scabs. He reminds me of an old man. 

"W-wa...wa...," demands Freeza's guttural voice. Sometimes he gets 'stuck' on words and his mouth won't pronounce them no matter how much he struggles. 

"Water?" 

"Mmhmm." 

Freeza can't swallow food or fluids anymore because the tumor has calcified and blocked off his esophagus. He gets his nourishment from the IV taped to the vein in the back of his left wrist. The best I can do to ease his discomfort is dunk a cotton swab into a water glass and swab out his mouth. I abandon the swab and substitute my fingers when I moisten his lips. For a moment we are in my memory, tangled together in bed. Freeza closes his eyes and smiles as if remembering the same thing. Then he starts to snore lightly, it sounds like a purr to me. I slide the oxygen mask back into place and sit back again, listening to the soft sounds he makes. I dread the day when he will be silent forever. 

I stare at his face, the curves of his closed eyelids upon his prominent cheekbones. The sickness has discolored and blotched his perfect skin. I can't find the cosmetic cream he used to cover the occasional blemish...and I hate to see his anger every time he sees his reflection. But as soon as I find some I will make him perfect again. 

Often I am afraid he'll crumble to dust if I touch him. I have a good reason to worry - the disease has made his bones brittle. Once I had to grab his tail when his weakening left leg caused him to stumble in front of his men. I felt three vertebrae shatter under my fist. They never did heal, and now his tail is narrow and deformed in the middle. It doesn't matter anyway, Freeza's tail is useless. He can't move or feel it. The appendage no longer exists to him. Many times he's cried out in terror that something had latched his ankle and I'll lift the sheets to find his tail wound around his foot. He shifts his feet a lot and his tail reflexively coils around anything that bumps it. He used to laugh about it...now it just frightens him. 

"Get it oooffff!" 

Freeza didn't believe me when I told him it was his tail. Not even when I showed him his tail wrapped clearly around his foot. He thinks the shadows are Death coming to take him away. Whenever he sees a shadow, he trembles and curls up in a little ball. It got so bad that I spent several hours today moving his bed and equipment over by the window where shadows don't fall. During the day I can tint it so the bright light won't agitate him and at night I lighten it. With his feet facing the window, Freeza can always see the sky when he opens his eyes. 

Problem solved. 

It is late, I think I'll curl up here in this chair and sleep. But sleep doesn't come easy, as I fear that Freeza will die while I am asleep and unable to comfort him. What if he's in pain or frightened when it happens?   
  


No more than two hours after I doze off, I'm awakened by movement. Freeza's entire body is convulsing. His eyes are rolled up into his head. I can hear his teeth gnashing together. The computerized IV above his bed detects the seizure and immediately ups the amount of narcotic potion entering Freeza's vein. Instantly the seizure weakens and gradually stops. Freeza lays utterly still, and I hear a trickling noise as my Master begins to urinate on himself. His eyes are fluttering and he is gasping, exhausted. Though he seems unaware that he's wetting the bed, he groans like it hurts. Getting him to use the bedpan is always a nightmare because just voiding wastes causes him agony and he refuses to use a catheter. 

I sit by the bed and wait for him to empty himself before I lift the blankets off to check the damage. It seems to be contained to a dark stain on the front of his bedclothes. Not as bad as I thought, but the robe is ruined. 

Now I have to clean him up quickly before his urine dries. Otherwise the ammonia in it will stink and I don't want anyone discovering his accident. 

Two minutes go by and Freeza's bath is ready in the form of a sponge and a soapy basin just large enough to accommodate his small body. First I remove the oxygen. Then I disrobe his sickly form, use the robe to wipe off the puddle on his stomach and lift him gently into the water. He weighs so little that lifting him takes no effort. 

Freeza seems unresponsive to the warm water until I wash his most intimate parts. Then his body reacts like it knows me. He opens his eyes, stares at me and struggles for words. When he does finally speak, his words are terribly slurred. 

"Amm I….ssssstill…beauuutifuuuuul toooo yyyooouuu? D-do yyyooouuu desiiiirrreeee…mmme?" 

I feel the tears rush into my eyes when they meet his. In the haze I see Freeza as he was the day we met. Strong, barking out orders to a line of men as he walked past me. He told me to kneel and pledge my loyalty to him, and I did. While I was kneeling, he noticed my loose hair...it was down to my shoulders then...and ran his fingers through it once. He said I should never cut it off, but that I should do something with it so it wouldn't be in my way during a fight. Then I am back in the present again. My beloved Freeza is still there, a strong soul lost in that dying, cancer-ridden little body that struggles for every breath. He is still beautiful to me. 

With a voice that chokes, I cup his face and reply, "Yes, m'Lord." 

He finds the end of my braid, manages to unclip it and wraps the loose locks around his thin neck. I lift him from the basin and place him on the bed. My master pulls me closer until our lips meet. 

"Taaaaake meee…" Freeza breathes. 

I don't know if I can. His body is so frail I'm afraid I'll break him apart. 

"I could hurt you," I tell him sternly. 

Freeza's eyes fill with tears that overflow on the dark pink ridges lining his cheeks. I watch his face contort and his black lips tremble. Soft sobs make his chest and shoulders shudder. They grow stronger until his whole body nearly bucks with each silent whimper. He cries so hard that he can't even speak. Crying for all the times in his life when he was hurt. Crying for everything he was losing. Crying because he is afraid of dying. And because I don't want to hurt him by loving him. 

The first and only time I'll ever see him weep in my presence. 

"I dooooonnnn't caaaaarrrree..." Freeza wails, "Puh-pleeeeeaseee...taaaake m-meee..." 

He wants to feel me in him one last time before he leaves forever. He needs to know that I still love him, and saying it isn't enough anymore. 

I touch his tear-stained face and kiss him tenderly, "All right..." 

I disrobe and give myself to him as gently as I can. Still he bleeds all over everything as I brush against the horrible growths pressing in on his depths. His body feels both foreign and familiar at the same time. The feel of his skin and the smell of his breath are all wrong. But I press on, carefully, because he wants me to. Freeza cries throughout our movements, his sobs turn to pained wails as the intense wave carries us up and settles us down. I ask him if he wants me to stop, but he shakes his head. 

So I continue even though I know now that I'm causing him agony. I keep going until I feel his muscles twitch and clench tight around me. Then I pull out and with me comes a gush of blood. Something...one of the masses...I'm sure, has prolapsed. They always do that. I use a rag to push it back in, then clean myself off as best as I can. 

Freeza still continues to sob and bawl and I'm beginning to think it's the cancer changing his brain, thus messing up his emotions. I wrap his naked form in the bloody sheets and hold him close. "Shhh, I know, I know..." I stroke the back of his neck and head, not sure of what else I can do. 

Eventually my Master cries himself into a stupor. I place an ice-chip in his mouth for him to chew on. Sometimes if he can chew on something he'll relax. This time it sits in there and melts, oozing out the corners of his lips like drool. His exhausted eyes stare blankly up at me. It's like he is awake but not aware of anything, this is happening a lot lately. 

Then I remember the bloody mess in the sheets. 

Back into the basin Freeza goes, so I can wash his face and clean his lower regions again. He soaks in the bloody water while I change the sheets and fluff his pillows. Then I clothe him in a soft black satin bed-robe and place him back on the mattress. Freeza is asleep before his head even touches the pillow. 

I settle his oxygen mask back into place and inject a dose of vitamins into his IV line. 

...what a night.   
  


Morning comes to find us both sharing the same bed. I can hear Freeza mumbling, but I can't understand him. His ability to use words has gone with the night. Damn this cancer for removing everything he depends on to be strong! 

"Awudduh! Ehhmmuuurlf. Muh! Awudduh! Awudduh!" 

I try giving him water, but he refuses it by slapping the swab from my hand. He grabs his oxygen tubing, or tries to. I move and he calms down into an almost drunken stupor. I'll never know what upset him so much. Perhaps he just wanted to see that the oxygen tank was still full. 

For the rest of the day Freeza acts like a belligerent child. Screaming, growling and kicking at his sheets. Twice he pulls out his IV and twice I replace it. I think he's trying to push me away by making me hate him so I won't suffer when he's gone. But it's too late for that. 

Instead of leaving, I put my hand atop his carapaced scalp and speak soothingly until his restless movements settle down. It takes time and he tries to hit me a few times, but I easily hold both his wrists in one hand as gently as I can. His eyelids flutter and his mouth opens behind the plastic mask, which muffles his uneven breathing. He is asleep again.   
  


Two days pass without Freeza stirring from his slumber. I take it upon myself to turn him in his bed so he won't get pressure sores, manipulate his limbs so they won't become deformed and clean him when he expels wastes. Every few hours I shape his small hands around rolled-up towels so his fingers, those beautiful, tapered little digits, won't grow stiff and immobile. I spend hours massaging his hands and feet; he really likes that, and use the swabs to moisten his eyes and his mouth. 

Once I even dunked a swab in his favorite wine and placed it in his mouth. He sucked happily on it for quite a while, like a child at breast. I had to take it away when started chewing on it. When I offered it again later, he didn't respond. The swab sat on his tongue. I guess that one time he happened to be awake enough to taste and now he isn't. 

Hours are filled with the sounds of breathing. A rhythm growing steadily slower as time marches on without mercy. 

Freeza's hands and face are getting pale. He's the color of ashes, a lifeless, ugly hue that doesn't match his regal purple carapace and makes his robe seem blacker. 

In my mind I can almost see the horrible cancer spreading through Freeza's body. Sucking his life away while he lays helpless and in pain on the bed. 

All of a sudden my master wakes up and grips the sheets in his frail fingers. His hands are everywhere, grabbing anything within reach. He flings his pillow on the floor and kicks off all his sheets. He gets his tail and oxygen tubing tangled around his body. Then he yells wordlessly at me because he's stuck. 

"Freeza? Hey, hey! Stop!" I jump on the bed and pin his shoulders down. Freeza looks at me, angry, his crimson eyes burning with a familiar flame. He digs his head down into the pillow until his horns threaten to rip the material. Shadows fall across his skeletal face, turning it into something frightening. 

"Wuuuy ugnt loo efut?!" 

Whatever he said, it was a question. He still has the rhythm of speech, the words just don't come. I have to puzzle for a while until I realize what he asked. Maybe he can still understand me when I talk to him. 

I carefully force his tail back through the loops of tubing and slip off the mask to untangle the rest. Freeza tries to fight me and I have to pin him with my legs so I can work. It's not his fault, I don't think he realizes he's being so difficult. He is angry about what he's losing and I am the only one he can take it out on. 

"I haven't left because I'm taking care of you." I finish and place the mask gently over his nose and mouth. As soon as I let go of his arms to pick up his pillow, he slaps the mask off and I have to go fish it off the floor for him. 

"Guh wyy!" He snarls. 

"No." It is the first time I have ever refused a direct order. 

Freeza becomes angrier than ever. From his mouth comes more babble that I can't understand. "Zuh'uhf slewu-ah. Ah-ah-ah-ah - " 

The agitation triggers another seizure and he succumbs to severe convulsions that don't respond to the medication. I helplessly watch the seizure run its course. This could be the end right now...oh please don't let him die like this! 

Freeza won't give up so easily, though. Several eternities go by before his body stills itself. He gasps through gaping jaws, his eyes are still rolled back. His right hand continues trembling. 

Normally I am strong and seeing a person like this doesn't bother me. But this is my Freeza. My master. My love. The sight of him suffering breaks me inside. I press one of his delicate, papery-feeling hands against my forehead and weep openly. Of all the diseases in the universe, he had to develop this horrible, ugly _cancer_. Part of me wishes someone had hurt him so I can seek revenge and rid myself of this anger in my heart. 

I feel Freeza move and I look up to check on him. He is curled on his side in fetal position with agony all over his face. The sickness inside him seems alive, sucking away his life while expelling pain. I can picture that ugly mass of cancer crowding all of his organs out of the way, crushing them against his ribs and spine. 

Sometimes when Freeza lays on his back, I can feel lumpy masses all over his abdominal area. I try to make him turn over so I can check him. He pushes my hands away every time I make the attempt. 

Frazzled, I whisper, "It's okay…shhh…I'll give you more medicine and the pain will stop." 

But the extra dose of pain medication doesn't even touch his pain. His moans grow louder and more frequent. I'm at the breaking point when I call in the doctor to assess him. Then I leave to shower and eat a decent meal. Before I leave I give the doctor specific orders to report to me as soon as he finishes with Freeza.   
  


Less than an hour later my door chimes ring and I let the doctor in. He's a tall reptilian creature. Purple skin mottled here and there with yellow spots. I think he's ugly, personally. 

"Dr. Chies reporting, sir." He stands stiffly with a clipboard in hand. 

I take my time braiding my wet hair. To me the doctor is scum I can scrape off my boot and that is exactly how I treat him. Freeza would have liked that. "Well? What do you suggest we do about Freeza's pain? He's obviously built up a resistance to that junk you're giving him now." I mutter. 

"An _Eniphrom_ drip on a constant low dosage. It will eliminate both the pain and seizures." Chies nervously loosens his collar and gazes at the chart in his hands. 

My braid now finished, I let it slap wetly on my back and drop my towel to dress myself. Yet, at the doctor's words, I snap myself into an upright position. "But that will put him to sleep, you fool! I want him awake and talking to me." I narrow my eyes on him. It's so fun to intimidate the weaklings. 

"B-but sir!" Chies pleads, "I think Lord Freeza has earned his rest! No other medicine will touch his pain and this will remove it completely. It would be too hard for him if we had to go injecting something into every part of his body to numb down the tumors. The drip is much more dignified. If we try anything else he has the potential to die seizing, and that is not a peaceful way to go." 

He has me there. Freeza hates needles anyway and I don't think he wants to be conscious when he finally dies. The less he has to deal with either, the better I feel. I nod my head slowly and resume pulling on my armor. "Very well then. How long will it take to put him to sleep?" 

"A few minutes. It works very quickly." 

"Then go get it. I will be waiting in Freeza's quarters." 

We both leave the room at the same time. Chies turns right and I go straight ahead to the door across the dimly-lit blue corridor. Freeza's room is such a bright contrast to the dark hallway. His flooring is tiled in solid gold and the lavender walls fade to purple near the ceiling where delicate dome-lamps hang. 

Freeza is still curled up on his side, writhing in pain. All his twitching around has pulled his robe open and he's exposed himself. I tuck his privacy down between his legs, close his robe and pull the sheets up over his legs. I leave his tail out on top. That is probably the only place where Freeza can't reach to yank out the IV, and I'm sure if he gets any new IV's he will try to remove them. At least he won't feel it going into his tail. 

I walk next to the bed and produce a jar of the cream he always uses. Turns out it sells big out in the market and one of my men grabbed the wrong color by mistake. He died for it. Freeza doesn't acknowledge that I have it. I don't blame him, if I was in pain I wouldn't care about a jar of men's liquid foundation either. 

Freeza stares blankly ahead with faraway eyes glazed by agony. His gaunt face is pressed hard against the pillow. All I can do is curl up on the bed and draw him close so my body heat will keep him warm. He buries his face in my chest and groans. I pet the back of his neck while he clings weakly to my cape and reaches over my shoulder towards something unseen. 

"Ehurlt...ehurlt....mumuh...mumuh...." his pain is so great that he's crying out for his mother. Perhaps he sees her behind me, no point in looking if it's a hallucination. 

"Shhh. It's all right m'Lord. The pain will be taken care of...shhh...it'll be all right." 

I hear the door hiss open as Dr. Chies enters with a blue computerized box, an IV stand and thin plastic tubing. He doesn't question my position with Freeza. 

"Where should I…?" 

I point to Freeza's deformed tail, which I placed over the top of the sheets. His tail reminds me of a folded sleeve, squashed flat in one spot and bent over itself in a sharp angle across the white bedsheets. Some time during his seizure, he snapped the previously broken vertebrae completely. But the color is still good, so he has blood flow reaching all the way to the end. 

"Yes, sir." 

Chies walks in front of the window and stands by the foot of the bed. His shadow falls across Freeza. 

Freeza instantly snaps his head away from my chest and tries to jerk away from the shadow. The pain makes him cry out. He can't decide whether to struggle or lay still until the darkness moves away. His uncertain red eyes shift back and forth between me and the shadow. 

"Settle down, Freeza. The shadow will leave soon. Just close your eyes and I'll tell you when it's gone. It can't hurt you while I'm here." I tuck his head up under my chin and hold tightly to him so he won't be inclined to struggle further. He stops reaching over my shoulder and whimpers quietly into my neck. I feel two delicate fingers, cold from poor circulation, settle against my throat. 

Dear gods, why must my Lord Freeza be reduced to this? 

"Proceeding." Dr. Chies finishes setting up the tiny IV line and inserts the hairline needle carefully into Freeza's tail. Just above the armored tip. He tapes it down tight and gives the tubing enough slack so I can turn Freeza in bed without having to worry about pulling it out. I watch him touch a button and listen to his little explanation about how blue button with the white symbol can be pressed to give Freeza a bolus dose if his pain gets severe enough. 

Afterwards, the doctor packs up the wrappers and sterilizing pads. "I'll be back in a week with a fresh supply." His tone suggests he doesn't expect Freeza to live that long. 

And with that, Chiese steps away and pads quietly out the door. Once again the bright sunlight floods the bed. Freeza is starting to relax already, a sign that the pain is fading to a tolerable level. 

I move my chin away from Freeza's armored scalp and nuzzle my lips against his cheek. It is moist from perspiration. "The shadow is gone now, it gave up when I wouldn't leave you." 

"Ist c'mennng...is'll c'mennng..." Freeza lifts his head up and looks to be sure. He puts it down again and seems to fall asleep. I scoot away and cross the room in search of a wineglass and bottle. I really need a drink. There it is on the table, still open from the time I dipped the swab in it. I pour myself a glassful and head for the bed so I can put the cream on my Master's precious face. 

His eyes are open, searching for me. I can't help but laugh a little and say, "I didn't leave, I just grabbed some wine. Don't worry, Lord Freeza. I won't leave you alone for long. Here, let me fix you up." Then I remove his oxygen mask and apply the cosmetic salve to his face. Pale pink for his flesh and dark burgundy for his lips. He remains cooperatively still for me, closes his eyes when I do his eyelids and parts his lips for the color. Oddly this feels more intimate than anything else we ever did together. Under my careful hands, he temporarily transforms from a sickly little figure to my Master. 

Afterwards, I lift a mirror to his perfect face and let him see himself for the first time in a long while. 

Freeza stares at himself and raises two fingers to touch his cheekbone. His other hand reaches up and touches the cool silver mirror. He can't believe what he looks like. Nor can I...he is again the delicate, glorious man I saw when we first met all those years ago. My beloved Lord Freeza. 

He shifts his ruby eyes to me, parts his lips slowly and for the first time in a while, speaks with a perfectly clear voice, "Am I still beautiful to you? Do you still desire me?" It sounds apathetic like always. For an instant I forget he is on his deathbed at the premature twilight of his lifetime. 

"Yes, m'Lord," I answer automatically, but saying it with all my heart. I hear my voice crack and place my hand on his smooth cheek, "You are the most beautiful man I have ever laid eyes on in my life." 

Freeza's red eyes twinkle and a dazzling smile reaches from ear to ear. A little color gathers in his cheeks and he tries to cover his face with his hands. He is a shy, delighted little boy again, his face so precious. I've never seen him truly open up and smile at me that way, he really is beautiful. 

It means everything to Freeza to hear me tell him he is beautiful at a time when he feels so ugly. 

I can see the medicinal stupor slowly encroaching on his consciousness. His eyes are starting to close. I take a quick sip of wine and bend down until our lips touch. Letting him taste the droplets of his favorite liquor off my lips. 

Like a moment of light in a storm, Freeza's clearness of mind passes. He is still smiling, but the next time he tries speaking, it is gibberish again. "Tu meh ung mwaaa ehbuk." 

But I understand him, and roll him over onto his back. I prop his legs on pillows and 'section' off his tail with the sheets so he can't tangle himself in it. Freeza reaches out and cups my face when I sit down again. He pulls me down, wraps both arms around me so I am pressed against his heaving chest and kisses me passionately. It's the first time he ever touched me in a way other than wrapping my long hair around his neck. A moment that I treasure. I return the embrace and the kiss, pulling myself closer to his small body while I watch him sink further away into dreamland. Soon his arms are only in place because I haven't moved. I feel his hands slowly relax against my back and the sound of his breathing slows. 

I remain in Freeza's embrace until his even breathing tells me he is finally asleep. Then I take hold of his wrists, slide off the bed and fold his hands gently across his stomach. Freeza makes no attempt to stop me from moving away. A sure sign that he's out of it. 

"You can let go whenever you want to...don't hold on to protect me. I love you and I will be with you when you decide to leave this place and your pain." I stroke his forehead with my palm while I talk to him. "I'll be all right. I'll miss you and I won't forget you, but I'll find a way to keep living." His only response is soft breaths through a partly-open mouth and half-closed eyes. It's weird to see someone unconscious with their eyes open. 

Freeza starts to snore. Like my conversation is boring him while he's asleep. I chuckle to myself, replace his oxygen mask and pat his shoulder before settling back with my glass of wine in hand.   
  


A report comes in and I download it to Freeza's computer to study over breakfast. Freeza sleeps soundly as ever in the bright sunlight. It has been five days since he was last conscious, and every day I make sure I tell him he is beautiful. 

I can't believe how much his appearance has changed since he got sick...sometimes I barely even recognize him anymore. He's so gaunt and weak. Before Freeza fell ill he weighed a hundred and twenty pounds, all muscle. Today he's barely eighty pounds of bone and organs. I can count his ribs and make out the delicate bone-work that make up his hands and feet. He is like a living mummy without the wrapping. The only sign he's alive anymore is his breathing. 

As he feared all those months ago, my master is helpless. So helpless that he couldn't even regain consciousness if I removed the drugs that stop his pain and seizures. I can't help but wonder if he's still capable of dreaming or conscious thought. Is he aware of anything anymore? 

Freeza's face is pale again. Not the normal Icejin pallor, but a deathly color that nearly matches his white pillowcase. He looks so regal in the new gold bed-robe I purchased. Velvet is his favorite material and gold his favorite color(actually, he likes purple just as much, but I couldn't find a purple robe his size). It reaches to just above his knees so his legs can be exposed to the air, which makes them easier to manipulate. I think he is elegant, this is something he would have bought for himself if he spotted it on the market. 

And me? I'm as unkempt as can be after just rising from sleep. My hair needs combing and my one-piece white nightclothes hang off my body with the buttons undone up top. Well, my comfort can wait until I've read Freeza the daily reports. 

"Mudd-sei, its four moons and Leaf-sei have been conquered. The Kamejin leader wants to buy both for their fine ores and has settled for the hefty price of thirty-trillion Paper Golds. Looks like your empire has an excellent deal, Lord Freeza." 

If Freeza could smile triumphantly, he would have. I know him too well. Perhaps in his dreams he is smiling and celebrating his victory. I smile for him anyway and reach over to stroke his cheek. It's cold, as are his hands. His fingers and lips are turning a little blue. I don't like what this means, and I should have noticed it sooner. 

I lift his robe and check the pad rolled between his legs. It's wet, so I change it. Then I fold his arms across his belly, lift his furthest leg and pull him onto his side. I found a way to angle his horn over the top of the pillow so he can still rest comfortably without tearing holes in his pillowcase. Freeza moans when I move him, he does that all the time now. It's probably just an involuntary response to being moved. He disliked being on his side while he was awake and I'm sure he still hates it while comatose. But it's either turn him or deal with foul-smelling bedsores. 

"Shhh, just for an hour, that's all. Just an hour." I soothe my master quietly by making small circular motions against the back of his neck with my fingertips. Lately this seems to soothe him when he is agitated. "I'm going to get dressed and freshen myself. I'll be right back." And then I leave to clothe myself and braid my hair. I could use a shower, but I'm afraid to leave Freeza's side for more than five minutes. He's so close to the end now that I fear can easily miss it if I'm away from him too long. 

Weird gurgling noises greet me when I return to Freeza's quarters. I hurry to his side and turn him onto his back, but he still continues. I prop him up at an angle with pillows under his head and knees, check his mouth and adjust the oxygen. A huge glop of saliva rolls from the back of his throat to pool under the oxygen mask. The gurgling stops. 

Then I see that his fingers and lips are almost completely blue. His eyes are slightly open and his jaw is completely relaxed. It seems so unnatural. 

Whatever visions people see when they are about to die...floating out of his body, tunnels of light, life reviews...Freeza is seeing them now. Maybe he sees nothing but oblivion. Whatever it is, I hope he isn't afraid. 

"My Lord? Can you hear me?" I slip the mask off his porcelain face so I can see him fully and place my hand in the one resting across his chest. There is no response, not even a twitching of the eyelids. I nod to myself and stroke his fingers with my palm. Freeza's jerky breaths continue like a reflex. I watch his chest gradually rise and suddenly collapse. Over and over. Each time he forces the air in and out of his slightly open mouth, I see the hollows in his frail neck deepen. The soul has let go, this is just the body winding down. All he has to do is wait for it to stop and then he'll be free of this pain forever. 

"No, no...don't struggle, shhhh. Don't struggle." I lift Freeza's frail, discolored hand to my lips and kiss his perfectly-formed knuckles. His hand seems so limp and heavy. I curl up next to him on the bed and wrap my arms around his dying frame. He would want to be held at a time like this. I used to hold him like this a lot before he got sick, but once the tumor started messing with his brain, he changed. Didn't want to be held or constricted in any way. Now, I draw him close until my lips are by his ear and whisper softly, "You are still beautiful, m'Lord...I still desire you. I want no one other than you." 

He's leaving me. I can't believe he's leaving me... 

"The universe will never forget your name. Freeza..." This is so hard, I never pictured myself saying goodbye to him like this! Not once in my life did I imagine it would be this way! I always thought I would be the one to die first. Oh it would be so easy for me to compose myself and not shed a tear, but this is not the time. 

Freeza's labored breathing goes on, softer and softer. I just sit here, holding him in my arms, transfixed as his body labors in preparation to give birth to his soul. 

The only moon circling this tiny planet where we live moves to eclipse the sun. I totally forgot about the eclipse! What a beautiful spectacle it is. It only takes a few seconds for the black orb of the moon to start blocking the sun's light. Bit by bit, the sun disappears. 

I count the seconds between Freeza's breaths while I watch the eclipse. _Five seconds, ten seconds, twenty seconds. _New breath. 

It's getting much darker as the moon's shadow moves closer. The sun looks like a brilliant crescent fastened to a velvet curtain hanging high above us. I stroke Freeza's pale cheekbone with my palm, hoping that, if he's aware of his surroundings, the encroaching shadow doesn't frighten him. 

_Thirty seconds, forty-five seconds, one minute._ New breath. 

The moon swallows up the sun's light, leaving us in a blanket of darkness. Freeza takes another small breath. Softly in, barely audible out. 

I turn my head, close my eyes and press my lips against my Lord's soft cheek. His soul is leaving his body. I imagine it as a wave of light floating away into the air and disappearing, an unseen, imperceptible energy bleeding out in all directions. All that Freeza is, was and will be is now just a ripple of static energy drifting through space. A memory that will never be forgotten. I stare outside at the blackness surrounded by a delicate white corona. A hole in the sky that doesn't belong, yet looks so normal. The gateway between life and death...I hope Freeza got through. 

Slowly the shadow begins to pass. I watch a sliver of light, the diamond ring, emerge as a final testament to the majesty before the moon moves aside. Once again the gate is shut. 

I look down at my beloved again. As I suspected, Freeza has stopped breathing. His skin is paper-white and his lips and the edges of his eyelids an ashen gray. He looks like a sculpture, the horns on his shiny purple head and the curve of his neck cradled gently in the pale pillow that his skin now matches so vividly. Death has stolen away his vibrant color as well as his warmth and breath. 

After staring down at my love's precious face for a long while, I finally find the courage to slide my hand up past his chest and press two fingers against the side of his neck. There is no pulse. I keep my fingers there for almost two minutes and press down until I can feel the slackness of the blood vessel where the throbbing should have been. I have to be sure so I can burn the truth of my worst nightmare into my soul. 

It's real now, he's gone from me forever. The tears I've been holding back explode so furiously that I have to bend down and weep silently into his neck. He is so still and silent. I pull him to my chest and I can't believe how limp his body is. And I am such a fool for thinking I would be relieved when he finally went. I...I can't believe he's gone. One moment ago he was still breathing and now...it just doesn't compute in my brain! 

My beloved Freeza looks so peaceful despite the deathly pallor sweeping over his features. I rub his chin softly with my thumb and bend down to press my lips against his, kissing him goodbye. Twice, three times, I shower his face and lips with my kisses and tears. 

I just can't believe that he went so fast. A sigh, that was all it took for the Lord of this universe to move on to the one place he hasn't conquered. I never imagined this man dead, yet here he lays, lifeless in my arms. I want to hold him forever, letting no one else touch him...but I can't. Even in death, he still needs care. Care that I don't know how to give 

"There now, you've done it. You're free at last. Wherever you go when your spirit's journey is done...wait for me so I can find you again." I tell Freeza softly, as I lay his body out on the mattress and fold his hands across his chest. By now the eclipse is over and sunlight floods the bed again. Freeza's carapace and horns scintillate brilliantly, complimenting the gold of his robe. His face wears neither a smile or sneer, but holds a placid expression of quiet contemplation. If his eyes were fully closed I would probably look look upon his face and think he was simply asleep. 

I burn his face and body into my memory one more time before I contact Chies. A few minutes pass and four soldiers come in and wordlessly remove the IV's. One man grasps Freeza's ankles and the other holds onto his shoulders and head, and they lift him onto a soft stretcher. His tail comes down, but the soldier holding his feet catches it and folds it over his legs. Then they cover Freeza up to his waist with a black sheet and carry him out on a stretcher. 

The doors to Freeza's quarters slide open and the soldiers transport him gently into the hallway. 

"All hail Lord Freeza!" 

Every one of his men line the darkened corridor(how they got the news so fast, I'll never know) and kneel down in unison to show respect as their master's body is carried slowly past them, clad in a regally in gold. It is really amazing to see. I'd expected them to celebrate their freedom and throw a party. 

Nobody celebrates, smiles or cheers. They just kneel and stare in disbelief. The entire corridor is utterly silent and still as Freeza passes through their midst. Not one person moves until the medical bay doors hiss shut and Freeza is out of sight. 

I slip back into Freeza's quarters and stare at the empty bed. His imprint is still on the pillow so clearly that I can make out where his horns were pressed into the cloth. I see the entire outline of his little body on the mattress that seems large without him stretched across its surface. It is so clear I could draw his picture if I was an artist. I look to my left at his wine table where he keeps all his different drinks. I see him standing there half-turned to me with a glass in his hand, trying to decide which drink he wanted. Two tiny footprints on the metal mark that place where he always stood. His feet wore in the floor so much in that one spot that no mop could ever erase the markings. I'm glad no one can remove them. 

My beloved's life is over. I can't accept it now, but I won't go around foolishly believing he's still alive somewhere and will return to me someday. I know I won't see him again until my time comes. I'm going to move on and take all those memories with me.   
  


Morning has come again, a day without Freeza. As I stand here looking down at his body all clean, made-up and dressed in his armor, I struggle to stay composed. Freeza has been laid out on a black velvet cushion with a black veil covering him from head to toe. His hands lay folded on his chest and his damaged tail curled out of view. No one will ever know the struggle and hardship his illness brought him. 

King Kold must have received word of Freeza's death within minutes of his body being seen en route to the medical bay. I wonder how long it will take him to arrive...and why didn't Freeza tell his own father he was so ill? 

It is amazing what makeup can do. Freeza looks so...natural. Even his hands and feet are the right color. Underneath the black veil that covers him, he still looks like he'll wake up any second. And I stupidly wish he would. 

Right now I'm on duty to watch over him. Waiting for King Kold to arrive. If I leave, someone will come and deface the body. It's happened before and I refuse to see that happen to my beloved. 

"Why wasn't I told of this all those months ago?!" Demands a deep voice behind the door. Someone replies and their monologue fades in a discharge of ki. King Kold's fearsome lavender form enters the room and stops just inside the door. He is a large Icejin with smooth skin, blue armor and horns that curve up. I can see where Freeza got most of his looks, though the King's features are less feminine than his late son's. 

"Sire," I slide off my seat and kneel before him, "I'm terribly sorry for your loss." 

"At ease," Says Kold flatly, but when I look at his clear red eyes I can see that he is struggling for control as much, if not more than I am. 

I stand and move aside so he can approach the little cushion where Freeza's body lies. King Kold moves closer, kneels down and pulls the shroud down to Freeza's waist. He lays a large hand down, so massive his palm alone covers both of his son's tiny hands, and hangs his armored head. "Freeza...I'm so sorry I wasn't with you." He faces me and his expression hardening. "You. My men say you were with him in his last moments. Did he die in pain?" 

"No sir." Speaking of those final breaths are still difficult for me. I hope he doesn't notice my voice is shaking a little, "He was unconscious and unaware of his environment. I took care of him throughout his illness and made sure he had every ounce of the dignity he had when he was well. He died a dignified death." 

He nods again, wrinkles his nose and returns his attention to Freeza. "I didn't expect to have a second child...it was a happy accident I suppose. But his mother, poor Winter, she suffered the same illness for years before it took her. She was so excited to have another child. Freeza was such a tiny thing when he came out of her, we weren't sure if he would live because he was so small. He entered the world kicking and screaming and I knew he'd be a great warrior. I always thought he would die in battle all covered in blood and mangled beyond recognition...but I think this way was better, he feared death too much to have his heart in fighting. That's why he chose to run a business. So other people would get their hands dirty while he rolled in his money. Pure genius, I say." 

Then the large Icejin king bends down and presses a kiss into his son's forehead. "Rest well, little Freeza. You made me so proud." 

Afterwards, he replaces the shroud and stands. "You were Freeza's best man, he spoke highly of you. Thank you for seeing to his care and I will make sure you get paid well for your service." 

With that, King Kold turns from me and leaves again to deal with the reality of his loss. Once again I am alone with my love. I reach over to straighten the shroud and glance out the window. The sun is bright, but devoid of warmth and causes colors to dance around the room. 

Yesterday, it disappeared just long enough for the man in my life to slip away. For the rest of my life, whenever I see an eclipse, I'll remember how the sun stopped shining when Freeza died. 

That in itself was amazing.   
  


_"And the planets of the universe_   
_go their way._   
_Not astounded by the sun or the moon,_   
_or by the day._   
_You and I will simply disappear,_   
_out of sight._   
_Ooh but I'm afraid, that soon there'll be_   
_no light."_

- Stevie Nicks, "Planets of the Universe".   
  


This fic is dedicated to a dear friend of mine who died recently of cancer. 


End file.
